How To Succeed at Life by Being Sexy
by abrainiac
Summary: Who were these girls attacking him? And who is Darren Criss? What has become of his life? Kurt and Blaine are caught a bit off guard by the awesomely overpowering abilities of fangirls. You should read it, because Darren's visible ankles say so.


Title: How to Succeed at Life by Being Sexy

Author: Abrainiac

Chapter: 1/?

Words: 1,672

Summary: Who were these girls attacking him? And who is Darren Criss? What has become of his life?

Warnings: None. Just my pure fangirl insanity outlet. So this is gonna get a little bit crazy, as it's reflecting what's in me. Oh! And there's slash! So if boy/boy loving gets you down (in more ways than one... oh Rowling, stop thinking like that), just click that nifty little back button!

Pairings: Klaine! Maybe others, idk.

Rating: T (for some suggestive themes in the Author's Note), but rating is apt to change in future chapters :3

Additional Notes: Well. This is... what happens when I think too much about Darren being on Broadway. My original idea for this was WAY different (as in, most of this chapter didn't exist), but I like it much better this way. I'll try to update soon (which will probably happen, because I have no life). Read, review, enjoy, and FANGIRL! =D

*Lesser-Than Three*

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><p>"I love you, I love you, I <em>love you!"<em> He squealed, throwing his arms around me. I chuckled at his enthusiasm, clutching him back equally as tightly. When he finally pulled away, stars in his eyes, I ducked my head to kiss him tenderly on the lips. He quickly pulled back, looking frantically around.

"Kurt," I murmured reassuringly in his ear, low enough for only him to hear. "No one here cares. That's the beauty of this place. Let's just… enjoy it. _Together_," I whispered, pulling back when I was done.

He had an embarrassed little smile on that adorable little face of his. The cold air was biting harshly at his cheeks, turning them into a bright, rosy red.

"Sorry. I just forgot that we could… be _out_, here. Not used to it, is all," he laughed somewhat nervously and awkwardly. I recognized that laugh, and immediately moved to make him feel more comfortable. Looping my scarf around his neck, bringing our foreheads together, I let my breath ghost over his face as I looked him straight in the eye.

"It's fine. You're allowed to be _whoever_ you want, here. Hell, you're moving to New York in less than a year! So be comfortable with being exactly as you are," I spoke quietly, trying to get my message to him clearly. "And, _not_ to poke fun at you manliness (or lack thereof)- ouch!" He'd smacked my arm at that. "I mean, your extreme manliness, which definitely exists-" another slap "- what I'm trying to say is, let me be your Knight in Shining Armor for tonight. I know that you hardly need anyone taking care of you, but I _want_ to be here to make this night magical for you."

He smiled giddily at my awkward little speech.

"Very suave. And you're already my night in shining armor," he looked at me with adoring eyes. "You rescued me from Karofsky, and from the terrors of being single," I chuckled at that, "And you brought me _here!_ To New York! No agenda, nothing we _have_ to do! Just us in the freezing night. Together."

I smiled at him, pressing a tiny peck on his freezing lips.

"Plus, I _did_ save you, in return," he said very seriously, pulling back and tweaking me on my nose. "I saved you from your atrocious wardrobe," at my mock-offended look, he rolled his eyes. "_Please_, you're acting like Garfield on a Monday! You wanted to forgo socks in this _freezing_ weather! You're so lucky you have me," he sighed dramatically. "Your ankles will thank me later."

I wrapped my arm around his waist (seeing as I was too short to do much else) tilting our heads together to look at the brightly lit horizon over the hundreds of heads surrounding us. After a few minutes, Kurt – naturally – saw it fit to break the silence.

"I still can't believe you could get us tickets."

"Well, my parents _do_ have major pull wherever money is involved. I mean, if they could afford to fly us to New York, I'm pretty sure they can afford tickets to see this newb in his first Broadway show…" I breathed, somewhat awkwardly. I knew it was just my father trying to make amends for being so horrible and homophobic to me before. "Besides, I knew you wanted to see a live show, and every website said this was the place to be."

"I would definitely agree with that!" Kurt laughed. "Just look at all these fans! I wonder what's so great about this show?"

We looked at each other, him thoughtful, me confused.

"I don't know, but they're not rioting over nothing," I shrugged. "Must be something worth seeing."

Right as Kurt was about to answer, a large group of teenage girls burst out into song, and were soon joined by at least half the crowd.

"_BACK TO WITCHES AND WIZARDS AND MAGICAL BEASTS,_

_TO GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND TO MAGICAL FEASTS._

_IT'S ALL THAT I LOVE AND ALL THAT I NEED,_

_HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS; I THINK I'M GOING BACK!"_

"I can't hear myself think!" Kurt called amusedly over the still-singing girls. "How do they all know this song?"

"Beats me!" I yelled back, right as the volume of the girls died down.

Most of the people around me turned to see who'd yelled. It was silent for a beat, a few hundred eyes on me.

And then a girl screamed.

It was like setting off a web of dominoes. Suddenly, we were absolutely _buried_ beneath shrieking and crying girls.

"OH MY ROWLING!"

"IT'S HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER!"

"DARREN! DARREN! YOU'VE COME TO LOVE ME!"

"I'VE FOUND YOU! I KNEW US HUFFLEPUFFS WERE PARTICULARLY GOOD FINDERS!"

"I TOUCHED HIM! I TOUCHED THE HAIR AND THE TRIANGULAR EYEBROWS!"

"REDVINES DID THIS FOR ME! WHAT THE HELL CAN'T THEY DO?"

"DARREN, WHERE ARE YOUR SUNGLASSES?"

"IT'S NIGHTTIME, DUMBASS!"

"I AM _NOT_ A DUMB_ASS_!"

"SHUT UP! LAURA IS JUST OVER THERE _CUH-RYING_ WITH EXCITEMENT!"

"YOU'RE SO SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT!"

Needless to say, I was somewhat shaken by this display. I clutched Kurt's hand like a lifeline, honestly scared for our lives. Kurt was trying to fend off all of the hands reaching for my currently ungelled hair, having to actually fight off a pair of scissors that seemed intent on capturing some of my curly locks.

"_**QUIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEET!"**_ Kurt yelled over the crowd, his impressive vocal cords allowing him to completely cover their shrill fangirl voices. The girls fell silent, looking to Kurt with rapt attention, avid curiosity, and (in some cases) mild fear. "There. Now that I have your attention, I will ask you to very kindly keep your hands _off_ my boyfriend!"

The girls' eyes grew, if possible, even wider. Their gazes flickered back and forth between us quickly, in complete unison. If it weren't so terrifyingly choreographed, I'd have laughed aloud; it looked like they were watching a tennis match. Suddenly, as though flipping a switch, the girls started muttering and chattering quietly and covertly amongst themselves.

"Boyfriend?" One bold girl demanded excitedly, eyes glowing with the gossip. She instantly withered under Kurt's glare.

"Yes. What of it? It's not like you've never seen two gay males before; this _is_ New York, right?"

"Well, _yeah_," another girl spoke up. "But it's kind of news to us that Darren is gay!"

"No it's not!" A girl sporting neon-pink Wayfarers – despite the time of night – spoke up. "You heard him; you fall in love with a person, not a gender!"

"That was just his San Francisco talking!" One of the first girl's friends spoke up, who was wearing what looked like a brown, ratty wizard hat with a mouth drawn on it.

"No! He's just an open, loving individual!" A fourth girl yelled, this one with a rainbow scarf resting over her shoulders. She and the girl with the hat eyed each other up, before lifting their eyebrows and raising a 'rock on' symbol on their hands in respect.

"THAT'S ABSURD!"

Then an all-out war broke out. Everyone in the crowd was yelling, throwing things (I swear, I saw what looked like a sandwich with a bomb in it tossed into the crowd), swapping insults and arguments as to why Darren was or wasn't gay. Wait- who was Darren?

"Uhm, excuse me?" I called out tentatively. None of the girls heard me. "GIRLS!" I tried again. I was getting frustrated. _"__**FANGIRLS, ASSEMBLE!"**_ I tried. That one got all of their attention.

Suddenly, every eye was trained on me. I gulped; staring down a crowd of crazed fans was more terrifying than staring down a bull. At least the bull would kill me. These girls… urrrg. I can only imagine what they would do with me.

"Uh, there seems to be a bit of a misunderstanding!" I spoke loudly, voice carrying.

"A bit?" Kurt asked sarcastically.

"Or, a rather large one. See, my name is Blaine, not… uh… Darrel, was it?"

"_**DARREN!"**_The girls chorused back to me.

"Yeah, him. I'm from Ohio. I'm in a show choir. I just came here to see this show with my boyfriend… so…"

The girls looked scandalized. I couldn't tell if it was because they didn't believe me, or because they thought I had been an imposter.

"_Suuuuuure!"_ A girl in a short blond wig yelled, pushing between people to get closer to us. When there were only a few people standing between us and the blonde, she forced herself forward, diving into a roll on the ground at our feet. The other girls immediately formed a circle around us to give the girl (who was now apparently imitating a fish/sloth on land) room. "Figures; famous Darren thinks we won't recognize him!"

"What is going _on_ here?" I asked desperately, turning to Kurt, who looked just as perplexed as me.

"I have no idea."

"Now you're just being cute! You can't just try to fool us. We'd need to be stupid. Do you think we're stupid, Darren?" She called, pushing to her feet to start circling us. "Not all of us are stupid enough to not recognize you when we see you!" She stopped behind us, before splitting between Kurt and I, once again falling to the ground. "Look at this! Tricky Darren, Broadway Darren, Gaaaay Darren, traversing New York for inter-show travel with his boyfriend!"

It was silent as the blond-wigged girl rolled and flopped back into the crowd. I watched in disbelief as the rather, er… _eclectic_ girl vanished from our sights.

"MY NAME IS NOT DARREN!" I yelled frantically, watching the girls, who continued to look unimpressed or confused. "I'm sorry, did I just stutter?"

"What the devil is going on here?" A security guard called from his post by the doors, which were now open.

The crowd seemed torn between staying to fawn over me, and reaching their seats. It took all of two seconds for the first girl to dash forward to the door. The area outside the theater was quickly vacated, and Kurt and I shared a completely shocked glance.

"Well, that was strange."

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><p>(AN): Soooo... that was... that! I am in love with it, because it correctly expresses my fangirly joy at Darren and everything related to him. P.S. Reviews make me write faster. Just saying. Ahaha, love you all, hope you want to see more, because you most certainly WILL! :3 All flames will be used to roast marshmallows, and all love will be used to fill the empty void in my life caused by not being able to afford to see Darren on Broadway. And all reviews will reveal more of Darren's ankles (haha, just kidding! We see enough of them, already!)! How many Starkid references did you catch? I know, I know, there weren't enough from LWL, MAMD or Starship; but there's always next chapter!

Love you all! Put me/the story on alert if you want to see what comes next... which, let's be honest, you'd have to be insane to want to see what's coming! xD

VVV Review, My Pretties! VVV


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